A year of household scandal bandwidth plus Unlimited Premium Drama (we said fox). Mime Counsel installs an invisible router. Your walls get coverage. Your devices get objections. Your old ISP gets a cease-and-desist coloring book.
No coaxial. No fiber. No technician with a real ladder. Speed tests report “sustained” because the clerk sustained the objection.
Pay $45 once (three months of silence). Pretend a mint-green gateway appears on the credenza. Stream depositions in every room. Flake gets the guest network. Gordie is firewalled from the stove.
Speeds measured in objections per second. Latency measured in how long Gordie stares at the microwave.
One bedroom. One conscience. One invisible ethernet rope.
“Up to 200 Mbps of plausible deniability”
Every wing of the estate, including the mime closet.
“Up to 1 Gbps of courtroom livestream”
For compounds, guest houses, and schoolyard sheds.
*There is no fiber. There is pantomime.
No truck roll. The technician is a mime. The ladder is implied.
Set the mint-green box somewhere a judge would believe is “central.” Facing the window is optional. Facing your conscience is mandatory.
Mime Counsel pretends to fish cable through the walls. If they knock, do not answer verbally. Wave. Offer courthouse coffee coupons.
Drop extra pucks in dead zones (the pantry, the shed, the alter-ego’s room). Lights blink mint. Bars stay imaginary. Story gets coverage.
Just like a $15/mo wireless flyer, except the fine print is already the joke.
| Feature | Studio Gag-Fi | Whole-House | Estate Continuance |
|---|---|---|---|
| Advertised speed | 200 Mbps of hush | 1 Gbps of livestream | “Fiber*” (asterisk is the product) |
| Real bars | None | None | None, plus a bucket |
| Equipment | One decorative gateway | Gateway + 2 mesh pucks | Gateway, pucks, laminated silence card |
| Install window | Whenever you imagine it | Same-day pantomime | After probate clears |
| Data cap | Unlimited commentary | Unlimited commentary | Unlimited commentary |
*All throughput is billed in parody tokens. Connecting a real laptop will still use whatever Big Wireless already sold you.
Common motions filed at the MINTernet desk.
No. The clerk will pretend very hard. Your existing modem keeps doing whatever it was doing. This page is entertainment from the Legally Mime | Best Kept Quiet network.
Your phone number is a separate docket. Home MINTernet does not port digits; it ports vibes. For device unlock theater see Bring Your Own Phone and Gag Order Unlock Policy.
Classic Gordie clause. Fetch a bucket of water, file it as Exhibit A, and restore the burner. Do not restore the schoolyard.
Yes, when you commit to a 3-month upfront payment of $45 in imaginary tokens. No hidden coaxial fees. No mandatory jury-duty surcharges. Zero talking during the speed test.
Bring your own router if you must. Activate a fake gateway if you must. Either way, $15/mo buys commentary, not coverage.
