YOUR CASE IS PENDING.
THE CLERK IS MIME.
Enter a decorative docket number. Watch the board shuffle. Receive a ruling written in invisible ink. $15/mo does not accelerate a real calendar — it accelerates commentary.
This tracker does not query a court, a carrier, or a database. Anything you type lives in this tab until you refresh or seal the record.
THREE MOTIONS TO “CHECK STATUS”
Follow the docket. Speak only in pantomime.
Cite a docket
Format MINT-XXXX, GORDIE, FLAKE-LEAK, or “the bucket matter.” The clerk verifies theatrical commitment, not identity.
Watch the board flip
Statuses include Held in Chambers, Taken Under Advisement (Shrug), and Continuance by Invisible Rope.
Accept the shrug
A ruling appears. It is decorative. It is funny. It is not enforceable in any jurisdiction with actual electricity.
What’s on the status board
- ✓ A case number that looks official and means nothing
- ✓ A phase pulled from Hollywood legal drama, not PACER
- ✓ Next hearing: “when the mime finishes the invisible rope”
- ✓ Volume locked at 0.0 dB pending gag-order review
If a real clerk emails you about this page, you have the wrong satire.
STATUS CLERK
Held in chambers
Party of record pending.
Progress (decorative)
0%Progress measures how committed the mime is to the bit — not how close you are to a verdict.
Next hearing
When the rope tightens
Volume
0.0 dB
Assigned counsel
Minty, Esq. (Silent Active)
Minute entries (this session)
TODAY’S PUBLIC CALL SHEET
Completely fictional. Updated whenever someone refreshes out of anxiety.
| Docket | Matter | Status | Counsel |
|---|---|---|---|
| MINT-1988 | Schoolyard arbor / Exhibit A | Held in chambers | Gordie (Pooppool) |
| MINT-0420 | Unlimited Scandal leak filter | Next available leak | Flake (Objections Sustained) |
| MINT-0015 | $15/mo rate lock enforcement | Sustained (quietly) | Minty (Silent Active) |
| MINT-0000 | Motion to dismiss signal | Taken under advisement | The invisible rope |
STATUS OBJECTIONS
Common motions filed at this window.
Is this my real court case?
No. The clerk invented a status in your browser. If you have an actual filing deadline, that is a courthouse problem. We sell satire, not PACER logins.
Why is everything “pending”?
Because “pending” is the funniest honest answer a parody carrier can give. Continuances are granted in the alternative: more silence.
Can I unlock a gag order from here?
You can read the Gag Order Unlock Policy. It will not unseal a real proceeding. It will explain why the volume stays at 0.0 dB.
Did you store the docket I typed?
Nothing is sent to a server. The joke is generated in this tab, then forgotten when you seal the record or refresh. Still: do not paste secrets into satire forms as a lifestyle.
KEEP YOUR NUMBER. LOSE THE VOLUME.
Case status will not give you bars. A $15/mo tier will not give you a lawyer. Both will give you commentary.